Okay, so for my audition, I will be singing Adele's "Hello."
No Adele!
A woman who looked like her was once very rude to me in a Payless.
Now I can't. Next.
A-five, six, seven, eight--
You forgot one through four! Next!
I'm not an actor, but I love plays.
Can I sign up for tech crew?
That monologue was tragic. Sign up for tech crew.
- Who's next? - Um, that's everyone, Mr. A.
Congratulations. You're all in the play.
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
♪ Damn it ♪
Now I know how Beethoven felt.
Ugh, I know you're not talking about the dog from the movie.
Of course I am!
The way Charles Grodin took Beethoven for granted
and ignored his suspicions about Dr. Herman Varnick?
That's exactly how I feel.
Ooh! The spring musical is gonna be a lop...
which is a flop that can't be bothered to give an F.
Oh, come on, how bad can Beauty and the Beast be?
First of all, it's not called Beauty and the Beast.
Well, it is, but for legal reasons, it's spelled...
Ugh.
Why is there a talking Coke Zero?
Who wrote this?
Oh, the School Soda Trickery Council.
I remember their videos from science class.
Unlike water or milk,
the human body can't produce its own soda,
which is why soda is the base
of the drink pyramid.
The whole show is garbage, so I've rewritten every single arrangement
trying to put some lipstick on this pig.
We used to do that in Durnsville. It does make them look better.
And don't even get me started on my actors.
- I won't. I promise. - Too late! This is on you.
I've seen better acting
from you trying to pretend you understood Inception.
I did understand Inception!
I thought it was really funny. I liked all the skits they did.
- Someone sent me a bunch of books. - Books?
As if my day couldn't get any worse, now we have books?
Who would do this to me?
It's from Random House.
So it could be any of them?
They want me to write a book about the bunker,
like Cyndee did after we were rescued.
So your book is called
Cyndee Crawford Isn't the Only Famous Mole Woman Named Cyndee
and Other Title Ideas.
The pages is just a block of Styrofoam.
This is why I hid when I came to New York,
but now the Interwebtubes know who I am, and then this stupid movie...
Girl, you should write a book. You wanna get the truth out there.
You think these books change anybody's mind about anything?
White Lives Don't Matter?! by Sean Hannity.
White Lives Don't Matter! by Rachel Maddow.
The only people buying these already agree with what they're saying.
So the only way for me to change minds
is face-to-face.
You're gonna talk to everyone who believed that movie?
No. That's impossible.
So I'm just gonna talk to one.
Fran Dodd.
Oh! I know Fran.
There was karaoke at the wrap party,
and we sang "The Boy is Mine" together.
He looks like a Monica, but he is such a Brandy.
He's also the leader of these idiots.
He has a blog and a vlog.
How does he have the time?
So I just have to find him, tell him the truth,
and this is over.
You cut off the head, you kill the snake.
Isn't that true of any animal?
Ah, sorry, dear. I'm gonna be a minute.
Oh, please, take your time. We all have work to do.
But neither of you works here.
- No one was talking to you. - Get off my ass!
Jeez,
I didn't realize you were handling the Tolstoy account.
I can't take credit.
I stole it from a mug at the mug store.
I also stole the mug.
Well, either way,
that is just the kind of laugh I need on a Monday.
It's Tuesday, dear.
It's Thursday!
Because this agenting stuff isn't all lunches, lying,
and pointing at LL Cool J on Instagram.
This is Titus' contract for directing a school play.
We're low on toner, Gabe.
You know, my late husband, Roland,
was a bass player.
I found out the hard way that all that gobbledygook meant
was that he didn't even own his songs.
Oh, no. Were any of them valuable?
Were they?
Nineteen seventy-four, in the middle of a recording session,
a heroin needle falls off of Roland
and hits the strings of his bass.
Twenty years later, bam,
that's the Seinfeld theme. Not a penny.
Good Lord!
I need Titus to get rich so I can get rich.
Yeah, and then I steal from both of you. Trickle down.
But I'm only making ten percent of a substitute teacher's salary.
I didn't get Titus a piece of the intermission bake sale...
or a cut of the box office.
Box office?
Who would pay good money to see a bunch of dumb kids be dumb for two hours?
Their parents. This thing is gonna be sold out.
Parents are such chumps.
First they can't figure out how birth control works...
Does it go in my butt?
...and then they spend 18 years throwing good money after bad.
Yeah, ten dollars a ticket.
The school has them over a barrel.
The school does...
or we do.
Hey, kiddo!
We'd like some tickets.
Certainly. How many?
All of them.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Now you're getting it!
...is what I would like to be saying, but I cannot.
If you children truly are the future,
I say call the terminators.
But you made it so hard!
How am I supposed to sing all these notes in one word?
That's called a run.
And this key change is impossible.
Okay, maybe I'm confused!
Um, I thought y'all wanted this show to be special!
We do! You know that.
I don't know. I don't know.
We do want it to be special, Mr. A.
This is Hudson in the lighting booth.
I really want it to be special!
Come on, guys!
I wasn't gonna say anything... but...
opening night may be reviewed by The New York Tines.
Did you just say "The New York Tines"?
The New Fork Tines, yes.
It's a silverware industry publication.
A former lover of mine writes their sex column.
Well, it's not gonna be any good if you don't have a Beest.
Are you threatening to quit?
Son, I was threatening to quit back when I was in diapers!
It was for an adult diapers commercial, and I was fired!
You know what? Forget this! I'd rather do wrestling anyway
so I can hang out with Eric and Adam!
Uh!
Bitch, I don't know your life!
So, uh, first up, school play.
I'm told that parents can't get tickets?
We do.
My associate and I are in no way affiliated with this school,
but we did buy all the tickets to the spring musical.
We're gonna sell them
back to you for a mere $30 apiece.
Why didn't I learn
how contraception works?
No, no, no, no. Hey, no. Put your money away.
Every time we turn around, we're paying.
Well, I'm not spending 30 bucks
to watch my kid dance around dressed like a can of root beer.
So you're not gonna go to the play?
You're bluffing.
Uh, no, you are.
We may be a captive market,
but guess what.
We're the only market.
If we say no,
who else is gonna buy those?
So...
my offer is five dollars a ticket.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
I'm getting out-negotiated by a guy in Dockers.
Dockers, Lillian.
Don't worry.
We're gonna sell these tickets, pal,
and when your kids realize that you're not there
and they burst out crying,
boo-hoo-hoo-hoo,
I'm gonna laugh.
Heh-heh-heh!
Ho-ho!
Understand?
Come on!
Welcome to Darryl's Bridal.
Mrs. Wayne? I was just thinking about you!
I just spent the last hour
selling wedding dresses to this mouthy dump truck,
and the whole time, I was thinking, "You know,
this beef wagon could learn a thing or two from Kimmy Wayne."
Yes! See, look at you:
silent,
dutiful, pale,
really good pelvis.
If you weren't my best friend's wife, I would try--
Is there someplace we can talk?
"I would probably try and have sex with you,"
is what I was gonna say. Don't interrupt me.
Yeah, we can go right this way. Okay-- whoa!
Men first. Thanks.
You what?
The documentary got it all wrong.
Dick Wayne is a monster--
and not a nice one like Cookie Monster,
a scary one,
like... Cookie Monster if you were a cookie!
Well, isn't this just a kick in the nut?
Nuts.
And a penis.
I just can't believe it.
They got to you too.
Who was it? Killary and her husband, Kill?
Wait. Do you not believe me?
Jeez, I don't know. Who should I trust, my best friend or some woman
who just told me that she doesn't want pudding at 10:30 in the morning?
Look, I've read some of your blog. I know you've had disappointments.
Okay, look.
"Between a dock and a hard plate" is a saying.
Like your appearance on Wheel of Fortune.
There's also your mother's homosexuality.
What does that have to do with it? Why would you--
My mom...
We're having a convers--
And then you--
Why does that have to come in if I-- Mm!
I was aiming for that.
I'm just trying to understand--
You couldn't possibly understand
what it is like to be a male in this country today.
You females have it so easy.
Ex-squeeze me?
Oh, please. Like, how come when your body makes milk,
it's "beautiful"?
Well, as a woman,
I can tell you it's not easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl!
It's tough!
Ford tough! Barq's has bite!
Stupid Soda Trickery Council.
I have been a junior salesman at Darryl's Bridal for 15 years.
I have seen what females truly are.
All you care about
is the ring and the dress,
and not one of you will go out with me!
Because the women who come in here are engaged.
But I also hit on their moms!
You all say, "I want a nice guy
with a sense of humor,"
and then when one is standing right behind you,
rubbing your shoulders while you're looking at dresses,
it's all, "That joke is racist, sir."
All you guys do is blame everyone but yourself for everything!
Because that's whose fault it is!
Society used to make sense:
nuclear families,
straight marriages,
white quarterbacks.
That is the world that the Reverend was trying to get back to.
Do not say it.
The bunker was a return to traditional values.
Men are strong
and good at maps,
so they take care of women.
And women are weak,
so they can only take care of children.
Children take care of dogs.
Dogs take care of cats.
And cats...
just do their thing.
I'm weak...
but you, you're strong?
Well, I got "macho man" on a grip tester
at the Ground Round, so you tell me.
All right.
Why don't you show me the natural order of things, Fran?
Oh, come-- It's a man's name!
You know what? All right, missy.
All aboard the pain train.
You are a man! It's the only explanation!
What the heck is wrong with men in this country?
Tell me about it. Oliver quit!
No, you are not making this about you that fast.
- Fran Dodd took the Reverend's side! - Sure.
People get set in their ways. They don't like to be told they're wrong.
Remember how mad I got when you told me it was Sex and the City?
Um, yeah.
I sure do.
But these guys are just broken!
They remind me of this foster dad I lived with
- while my mom was in jail-- - Mm, sorry.
Time's up, so my turn.
Oliver quit!
Your Beest? But why?
He couldn't cut it!
He couldn't even sing...
♪ All I ask is you obey me ♪
♪ Like you obey your thirst! ♪
♪ Sprite! ♪
Boy, Titus, maybe you're making these songs too hard.
"Too hard"?
Well, excuse me for caring.
You know, I never got to be part of a school play
because back home, theater was considered gay...
by the Mississippi Board of Education!
I'm just saying, maybe dumb it down.
But this is my directorial debut!
Look at the posters.
There is buzz, Kimmy.
I'm told tickets sold out in record time.
I cannot disappoint my pubic!
Well, then you better find someone who can sing your arrangements.
"Someone"?
That's an exact description of me.
Hey.
Wanna buy tickets to a school play?
Just 100 bucks!
Help out some kids!
What the--
What-- what is going on with this town?
Not a single bite.
And I didn't sell any tickets.
Me neither. Tourists are too savvy now.
- I blame NBC's Smash. - Well, this is bad.
If we don't sell those tickets, we're out 1,500 bucks.
I know what we're selling is bad, but most plays are bad.
That's why they're plays and not movies.
Yeah. And yet they sell out.
I saw Scopes with my Russ. It's incomprehensible.
But it cost 100 bucks.
No, more, but we paid extra to be in the jury box.
Scopes is an "immersive theatrical experience"
based on some play about a teacher on trial.
Inherit the wind.
- I don't remember what it's called. - No, I was just warning you I farted.
Well, Scopes was weird.
During the second act,
I realized the chimpanzee sitting next to me was part of the play.
Well, if that counts as theater,
what are we doing trying to sell tickets to a school play?
We should just lie
and say we're selling tickets to a that.
Yes!
Beaudy an' the Beest is a...
"site-specific fourth-wall-breaking tour de force!"
Ugh!
God, your fart just got to me.
Why is it so slow?
You'll be old one day too!
♪ Can I escape this prison I'm in? ♪
And the Beest would say...
♪ Sprite is technically a vegetable Because of limon ♪
Mr. A, what are we going to do?
Beaudy an' the Beest needs a Beest.
That's a good point, Aisha.
But no one can sing the part.
I guess we'll just have to put on a show that...
isn't special.
Hudson again in the lighting booth.
No!
I don't know what to do!
I bet you guys could figure something out.
Kids are so much smarter than adults anyway.
When's the last time a kid had to resign from Congress
after hiring someone to kill his mistress?
Well... what if you played the Beest, Mr. A?
I can't--
I cannot do that!
Yeah, I mean, your voice is, like, professional.
- Thank you-- - And the Beest is big and scary,
and you're the biggest here.
You're forgetting about Hudson, but go on.
You could save the show!
It'd be so cool if you played him.
- Come on, Mr. A. Please? - Please!
How can I say no when you look at me with those eyes?
Those adult-size eyes.
Your eyes don't grow with you, you know.
Unlike your heart.
Your heart changes shape.
Inside you.
I said I'll do it. Cheer.
♪ 'Cause I can't make you love me ♪
♪ If you don't ♪
Is that me?
♪ And you can't make your heart feel ♪
♪ Something ♪
♪ It won't ♪
♪ Here in the dark ♪
♪ In these final hours ♪
♪ I will lay down my heart-- ♪ Oh!
Mr. A, I didn't see you there.
Wow. My lighting guy!
Why didn't your voice change with your growth spurt?
Right back at you, Mr. A.
Hudson, you do not belong in a lighting booth.
You belong...
on the wrestling team!
Okay, have fun. Bye.
Excuse me?
Hi. What's this? What's sold out?
Oh!
It's an immersive theatrical experience.
How could I explain that to you?
You know when the Harlem Globetrotters throw confetti at the crowd?
It's like that.
We know what immersive theater is.
Yeah, we saw Scopes at The Public. Like, with the original chimp, so...
Uh, we do have availability tomorrow.
A hundred bucks a ticket, cash.
- I can't wait to tell our thrusband. - Yes.
Beest, what if you speak to the man
who owns the soda factory?
Aren't plays the best?
According to my best friend, a teapot full of root beer,
your "Barq" is worse than your bite.
I've been feeling kind of down on mankind,
but at least here, I can see...
girls trapped in cages?
I knew there was something wrong with milk.
That's in, like, my bottom five,
along with paper cuts, green Skittles, and phonies.
I wish I had an ice-cold soda right now.
I didn't realize the Beest was such a creep.
The Beest is a good guy!
Eventually.
But what's the message here?
Take a girl prisoner,
tell her what clothes to wear,
and then she'll fall in love with you
- just 'cause you didn't eat her? - Help me!
I need to help my father with the soda harvest!
Silence!
You're acting like a boring old pitcher of juice.
- This is... - Oh, my gosh. Seriously?
Did Titus actually put himself in this?
No, the students did.
And he saved the play.
No one could do, like...
♪ As a beat, well, at least I could feast as I please ♪
♪ Now disarmed by her charm ♪
♪ In her arms, I grow weak ♪
♪ Vanilla Coke! ♪
Or, you know, whatever.
I just heard Hudson sing.
That's right.
You never cared about the kids having a good play.
When it's a musical, we say "show."
You just wanted all the glory for yourself.
That's why you made Hudson do wrestling.
God, are there no good men in this dang country?
Kimberly,
try and understand.
I just want my school play, the one I never got.
- Ha! - Good one, Wilkerson.
You signing up for the play.
You guys joking down the musical?
- You know it. - I love it. It's so lame.
But you're the drama teacher.
Just so I know which kids to make the most fun of.
See?
This is growth.
I'm finally honoring my repressed theater nerd.
Well, guess what, Titus.
I didn't get to be in any of my school plays either.
'Cause of the bunker!
Well, you can be in this play.
I'm short a villager because Holly got mono,
which is fitting, because she is one-note.
I don't wanna be in your play.
I mean I do. Were you serious about that?
Whatever.
I would never be in a play where the hero is Ursula!
That's right. You're not the Beest.
You're stealing Hudson's voice.
You're Ursula!
Girl.
I've been waiting 25 years for this moment.
I'm not gonna let some beat-up Ariel stand in my way.
I know that makes me sound more like an Ursula.
♪ And I don't care ♪
Good evening,
and welcome...
parents.
Oh, I see. We're the parents.
This experience just got immersive.
As you all know, I am the principal here at Old Dead White Guy Middle School.
And I couldn't be prouder of your children,
because, you see...
...I can't have any of my own.
- Ohh. - Hey!
Too much. You're gilding!
Pretty popes, pretty popes get galoshes.
Grandma, beware.
Pretty popes.
Just so you know, I'm not here to be in your play.
Although could I be? I'm a double threat
'cause I can smile and Roger Rabbit at the same time.
No.
I came here because I found someone I want you to talk to.
Ronald?
Ronald Wilkerson?
How'd you get in that calculator?
Hold up. Coach Frumczeerz?
Are you wearing makeup?
What are you, gay?
That's right, I am, no thanks to you.
I'm also an actor now. I'm starring in Beaudy an' the Beest.
How's it spelled?
If your plan was to make me want to be in this play more,
it didn't backfire. It front-watered.
I'll show him.
Trying to hide my light under a bushel?
Listen to yourself.
I'd like to, but you're talking!
What Coach Frumczeerz did to you
is exactly what you're doing to Hudson.
Come on, Titus. Don't repeat the cycle.
Break the cycle!
I already did. Remember that time I went to the gym?
Come on. I know you're better than this.
Ha! The shoes don't fit.
They don't fit you, Titus!
They were made for a kid, so they're too small.
You're not just Ursula.
You're a wicked stepsister too.
Jeez, did you also try to give Hudson a poisoned apple?
No, it was a poisoned Snapple, and I drank it by mistake,
which is why I was screaming on the toilet all night!
It's not too late, Titus.
You can be the Beest at the end of the movie.
You can be a hero.
But I can't be the Beest, Kimmy.
'Cause I'm Prince Charming.
Hudson!
Will you be my Beest?
That's not gonna fit. I wear a 14.
It's symbolic!
Look, I know you know all the songs and the blocking--
You told me I shouldn't even be running the lighting board.
I lied, okay?
You are very talented,
and I lied about it so I could be in the play instead.
You don't know my life!
I tricked you,
just like I tricked all the other kids into giving me the part.
It's not my fault kids have such squishy unformed brains.
You can make them do anything.
That's it! Children!
I can forget about men
and just go after boys.
Who are you two?
We're Kimmy and Titus!
♪ All the people in our little town ♪
♪ Are making sodas for America ♪
♪ Look at the soda fizzers fizzing ♪
♪ And the flavor men a-flavoring ♪
♪ Fizz and flavor, fizz and flavor ♪
♪ Fizz and flavor, fizz ♪
♪ So much fizz and, oh, what flavor ♪
- ♪ In our little soda town ♪ - ♪...town! ♪
An adult villager.
- They went there. - I was waiting for that.
Oh, I see.
An adult in a kids' play looks stupid.
Got it.
What the fudge are you doing here?
A friend of mine directed this, and my ma and I came to support him.
- He invited us. - Someone knows a girl!
Those classes must really be working.
Shut up, Mommy! Please.
This is why you never mix groups of friends, Quentin.
I'm the girl who beat up your son.
She's lying!
I was jumped by ISISes!
There were everywhere.
Be careful!
♪ Looking down on this happy town ♪
♪ So much soda, and none of it ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ And they'll live ♪
♪ Happily ever ♪
♪ After ♪
Ladies and gentlemen...
my name is Kimmy Schmidt,
and I played adult villager number one.
Aw.
She got her play.
I know we had a lot of fun tonight.
Who are you?
But for any little boys in the audience,
you kids are still learning stuff in your gooey brains,
including how to be human beings.
And the Beest is not a model for how to treat girls.
Sure, he gave her delicious soda to cure her milk poisoning...
but he also locked her in a cage!
And he's, like, the best of the princes.
'Cause what do those other guys teach you?
Kiss girls while they're sleeping?
Climb their hair whenever you want?
Bust into ladies' houses and force them to put on a shoe you found?
I always knew this fairy-tale stuff was lousy for girls,
but it stinks on ice for boys too.
I mean, no wonder guys like him end up the way they do.
What? Smart with a twin water bed?
But you boys...
you're not set in your ways yet.
You can learn to be different.
And I can help you.
Oh. I almost forgot.
Big finish!
No!
Wait...
who are these people?
Where are our parents?
Our parents didn't come!
Why not?
Why didn't they come?
I win! Your parents lose!
Whoo-hoo!
You lose! Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Yeah!
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!